The Legacy
She sat nervously in the waiting area of
the doctor’s office. Her feet swung
back and forth, lightly brushing the worn out carpeting. Alone in the waiting
room, she picked up a magazine off the small table next to her, and carelessly
flipped through the pages never really noticing the content of them.
Suddenly, a nurse appeared at the door.
“Eleanor,” she said. Eleanor tossed the
magazine aside and forced herself to stand.
Her palms were unusually sweaty and her face flushed as she approached
the nurse. The nurse looked down at the pale, blond-hair, young woman who stood
shyly before her. She smiled and then said, “Don’t worry Eleanor, it will be
just fine.” But the nurse’s words were
not as comforting as they were meant to be.
The nurse led Eleanor into a small, cold and sterile whitewashed
examination room. “Just sit down, he’ll
be with you soon.” The nurse left
closing the door behind her. Eleanor abruptly felt closed in. Her intakes of breath rapidly
increased. She could feel her heart
straining to be released from its boundaries.
She began to pace from wall to wall.
She did this for a few minutes and then took a seat. The chair was loosely uncomfortable. It was
a flimsy plastic chair that allowed little support. She tried to get comfortable by leaning as far back as she could
toward the wall. It served little relief.
She shifted aimlessly. Trying to
keep her thoughts off current events she started humming, finally allowing
herself to calm down. It was then the door opened and the doctor entered.
Her eyes desperately searched his face but
the stoic mien gave no answers. She stared at the ground before her. Her breathing grew quietly short, sometimes
stopping only to jaggedly start again.
The doctor confidently sat at a small wall-attached desk and laid a
manila folder in front of him.
“I wish I didn’t have to tell you this
Eleanor, I hate to give bad news...”
God,
Eleanor thought, That’s so trite Then
she added out loud, “I understand, you don’t have to go any farther. I kinda
had a feeling I would be infected.”
“There’s more though.”
She looked
bitterly at the doctor. Now what!
“You’re pregnant as well.”
She stared at the gray-haired man. A
horrified look crossed her face; this was something she hadn’t prepared herself
for. She rolled her eyes and looked at
the floor. She began to shuffle her
feet. She shook her head as if to make it all go away, then said, without
looking up, “Shit.”
“I would like to take some more test
and check to see if the baby is all right and of course find out how far along
the line you are....” The rest of the instructions and comments mumbled through
the mixture of emotions Eleanor was feeling.
She was vaguely aware that the door had closed and she was starting to
undress herself.
* * *
There wasn’t much action in the little
twenty-four hour greasy spoon. It was
mostly empty except for a select few scattered throughout the booths. The waitresses sat at the counter drinking
coffee and smoking a cigarette. No one
cared to notice the quiet woman in the back corner table, staring at the
silverware across from her and mindlessly stirring her coffee over and over
again. A high pitched “Ellen!” broke
the serene scene. The waitresses looked
at the two women making their way through the front door, then returned to the
topic of gossip and taking drags on their cigarettes. The women wove their way around the maze of tables, and took a
seat in the wooden chairs across and next to Eleanor.
“Julie and I have been worried about
you!” one of the women said looking carefully at Eleanor’s solemn face. A waitress shuffled her way back to her new
customers hoping this was going to be more than a coffee trip. But both of the women looked at her and in
unison sang “Coffee please.” The
waitress turned and shuffled back to the kitchen area.
“Well what’s the verdict?” the second
woman said, taking Eleanor’s hand into hers. All Eleanor could do was shake her
head; the words were too hard to say. A gasp was heard from the first woman and
the second unconsciously pulled her hand away, only to let out a timid laugh
and take Eleanor’s hand once again.
Eleanor continued to stare at the blue
and white checkered tablecloth, she expected that reaction. The waitress returned once again and placed
two coffee-filled cups in front of the women and a gold pot in the middle of
the table.
“There’s more” Eleanor said once the
waitress had gone. “I’m pregnant.”
The first woman
blinked and then slowly opened her mouth as if to say something but only
continued to stare at Eleanor. The
second woman grasped Eleanor’s hand tighter then made a causal remark, “Carol
you look like a wide-mouth bass that way.”
Carol shook her head, mumbled a quick sorry and then asked “How far along?”
“Thirteen weeks,” Ellen laughed,
“Thirteen unlucky weeks.”
“Then its not too late,” Carol said.
“For what?” the second woman asked.
“For an abortion Julie, what else?”
“I can’t believe you are suggesting
such a thing!” Julie added to the appalling look on her face.
“What do you expect her to do?” Carol
inquired.
“Have the child!” Julie interjected.
“Sure and put herself at risk, why
don’t we think about that one shall we? And who’s gonna take care of it when
she is sick and afterwards and also how do we know the baby isn’t infected as
well? It could be doomed anyways.”
“That’s not necessarily true.” Eleanor
objected. “I took a test today that
will determine if the baby is infected, I’ll know the results tomorrow.”
There was silence as the three women sat
in the dingy, smoke-filled restaurant. Carol took a sip of her coffee and
contemplated the information she just received.
“OK,” Carol continued, “What if you
have it? There is no way you would be able to keep it.”
Eleanor abruptly
took offense as if her ability to be a good mother was being attacked, “Why
not?” she asked harshly.
“It goes back to the question, what
happens when you get sick? You are
stuck with a kid who can’t rely on you anymore, is that fair to that kid?”
Eleanor looked
down into her coffee cup, she felt for a brief moment she was looking into her
future, dismal and black. She knew deep
down inside Carol was right and she resented it. Then Julie offered a solution.
“She can place it for adoption!”
“For what? To carry the child nine
months putting her health at risk, only to give the child up in the end? No an
abortion is the easiest thing for her to do. It’s quick, painless, she be done
and over with it, nothing more.” That was Carol’s solution.
“I can’t believe you are so stuck on
abortion! It’s not as easy as you make it out to sound, you know!”
Eleanor sunk into
her seat and continued to stare at the tablecloth. She flicked a crumb across
the table watching it fly off the edge.
Carol and Julie continued to debate around her.
“Yes it is!” continued Carol, “Look,
she has the abortion, puts the whole situation behind her and then she can
concentrate all her energy on fighting this disease, not splitting her efforts
between keeping herself healthy and trying to have a baby. I mean, let’s say
she does decide to carry to term, when then can she begin treatment? Six months
from now? Six months could mean life and death at this point!”
“She will be just fine in six months!”
Julie contradicted. “Many people are
living longer and having normal lives!”
“Yeah and I know other people who have
died suddenly for a simple cold! It’s a two way street, you know.”
Julie opened her
mouth to say something but couldn’t form the words that were tangled in her
brain. She knows she is losing the
battle. Eleanor thought, then asked the other two, “Why ruin two lives when
I have already ruined mine? Carol’s right, it’s not fair to make it suffer just
cause I wanted to be selfish.”
“Exactly,” agreed Carol, thinking she
had won the argument.
“Exactly,” said Julie. Eleanor and Carol stared at Julie in
disbelief. “What?” came out of both women’s mouths?
“Why make the child suffer for your
mistakes, Ellen? By aborting the child
you are condemning that child to the same consequence you will suffer because
of your mistakes. Why not allow this
child a chance to make up for you mistakes, a chance to have a family the cares
and loves him or her and that child can love as well. Let him or her have a chance at life, a chance maybe you can have
as well through your child.”
Eleanor raised her eyebrows, then said,
“I don’t have the strength.”
“Yes, you do. There is someone who you
can turn to be your strength, and I think its about time.”
Eleanor sat
straight up, leaned forward and started shuffling her feet back and forth. She
continued to stare at her coffee.
* * *
She laid in bed staring at the
ceiling, listening to the fans going full blast, achieving a hot stuffy
atmospahere. Her restless mind would
not permit her exhausted body to sleep.
The darkness of the dismal loft apartment surrounded her. She could hear her mind’s interpretation of
Julie’s last words -There is someone you
can turn to. The words invoked images that appear on the discolored pages
of her memories. The first image to
appear clearly was that of a faded yellow couch. On the couch, sat a person who
sparked emotion buried so long ago. The person was her mother, hands drawn
obscuring her face, crying uncontrollably. Her father stood over his wife, a
hand on her shoulder in comfort. His face showed a mixture of hurt and
disbelief. This was the last time
Eleanor was with her parents. She had
just declared, mostly out of frustration and arrogance, that she was going to
move in with her boyfriend; a young man several years her senior. She was 16;
he was 24. Her parents disapproved of
and tried to discourage her relationship with him, out of love for their
daughter, for they could see the path of destruction this man was paving. But Eleanor in a blind, teen-age fury saw
her parents being oppressive and controlling, a dictatorship she wasn’t going
to live under. “If you leave this
house, so be it, but know this, you cannot take anything with you but the
clothes you wear. We have provided you with everything and now you are his
responsibility, let him provide what you need.” Her father’s face showed the
pain the words did not. Ignoring his pain and anguish Eleanor was even more
determined to prove herself in defiance of her father. Eleanor took one last look at her parents
then turned around exited the front door and closed it on her life with her
parents forever.
Regret hung heavy in Eleanor’s
heart. She tried to push the images
away, bury them deep within like the many times before, but the memories would
not be silent. It took a long time of
abuse and neglect to realize how foolish she truly had been. It was the second
time Eleanor left with only the clothes on her back. And yet she refused to go
back home, she believed in a childlike foolishness that it would be giving in
to, what she believed was the oppressive ideas and rules of her parents,
telling them they were right, something she refused to admit. Instead she took to the streets to earn
quick money and learn how to survive in the savage world. She physically
hardened against her situation but inside each step she took made a deep wound.
Before long she was able to pick herself
up again and start over. She saved
enough money for an apartment. She held
a minimum wage job, and worked many hours to cover the bills. A few months past
and she started talking to one member of her family that she didn’t feel
threatened by, someone whom she looked up too, a protector as much as Eleanor
would permit. It was her older sister, who now led her own life, away from the
family. They talked on the phone for
hours, talking as though the distance and troubles between them never existed.
Consequently, it would be one single conversation that would shatter their
relationship. Eleanor received a phone
call from her on a cold winter day, informing Eleanor her parents had died
suddenly in a car accident.
There were arrangements to be made and
Eleanor was deeply needed at home and was asked to come back. At first Eleanor could not respond, for this
was the first time her parents were mentioned and it was to be the last. Once again blind and egotistical, Eleanor
made a decision that would the door on her family once more, she said no, she
would not return.
Tears welled up in Eleanor’s eyes as she
replayed her life in her solitude of darkness. She knew the pain and the hurt
she would suffer because of that decision and the emptiness she still
felt. It was because of the emptiness
she slipped so easily down the spiral staircase into hell. She tried to fill the empty void with
meaningless items, thinking it would help her escape. She bounced from relationship to relationship, all abusive. And when men were not abusing her, she was
abusing herself through drugs and alcohol.
It has only been a year and with the help
of friends like Carol and Julie that Eleanor pulled herself out of that
rut. And yet now, she could not help
but think she was being shot down once again.
All she could feel was despair and ugliness. Ashamed of all the chance she took with life and now the painful
consequences she must bare. Her last
image was one of a young headstrong woman, so much like herself, yet stable and
successful. Eleanor eventually cried herself to sleep.
* *
*
It was well past one in the afternoon when
Eleanor awoke. She forced herself out
of bed. Without taking a shower or
combing through her hair, Eleanor proceeded to put on a pair of sweats and
tennis shoes, without socks. She
grabbed her keys, left the small cluttered apartment and went for a walk. After passing hordes of people on the street
and listening to endless beep, honks and screeches, Eleanor found herself at a
nearby park. She sat down on a swing
and took off her shoes. She ran her
toes through the cold, wet sand.
As she mulled over past events from the day
before, she slowly realized what her life now entailed. She knew that was the word spread there
would be a mixture of reactions. Some people will be horrified with her and
avoid her, like Julie suddenly pulling her hand away. However there will be
others waiting for her with open arms ready to accept her with all her
faults. But the hardest thing for Eleanor
to accept was not the fact that she was sick or that she was pregnant but that
she was going to go through this alone.
No family, but then again that’s
my fault, she will never forgive me for what I have done, she’ll hold too much
against me for that, Eleanor thought idly.
She found herself lost in a world of confusion, darkness and
uncertainty.
And then something grabbed Eleanor out of
despair and back into the fresh sunlight of the day. Before her stood a young girl with strawberry blond hair and
sparkling blue eyes. In her sand and
dirt stained hands she held a bunch of dandelions. “Here these are for you,” she said shoving the flowers up to
Eleanor’s face, almost smearing her nose in the yellow powder. Eleanor couldn’t
help but laugh as she took the flowers from the child’s hand. “So what are these for?” she asked the little
girl who couldn’t be more than five. “Cause
you looked sad,” she replied then added “Mommy says they are weeds but I tink
they’re purty!” Then smiling the little girl promptly spun herself around and
wondered back to the sandbox which held other children, laughing and playing in
the warm afternoon sun. Eleanor looked
down at the dandelions and stated rubbing her fingers across the pedals making
her fingertips yellow with the powder.
Eleanor staring at the child, now playing in the sandbox knew what she
had to do. “Julie’s right,” she said to herself, “It’s about time. And I got
nothing to lose that is not already lost in the first place.” She jumped up from the swing pushing her
feet clumsily back into her shoes and ran up to the strawberry blond,
sparklingly blue eyed little girl and with a brief “Thank you” she kissed the child cheek. Eleanor could hear the child giggling as she started running,
actually more like skipping back to her apartment.
* * *
It was early evening and Eleanor sat at the
same corner table as the night before.
This time it was the dinner rush and the restaurant was alive with
action. The waitresses were swirling
around tables to the kitchen to give orders and back again with trays of food
in their arms. The conversations of the
customers collided in sharp contrast with the scraping of silverware with
plates. Eleanor sat way back in her
chair, her feet swung back and forth as she played with a charm on her
necklace. She took a sip of coffee. Her
eyes never left the main entrance. It was ten minutes past the appointed time
and she was still alone. She began to
question if this meeting was going to take place. She looked down into her cup of coffee, again she felt lost in
the darkness of the liquid.
“Eleanor.”
Eleanor looked up
and was greeted by a strawberry blonde, blue eyed woman, and was struck by how
much she resembled her mother.
“Beverly,” she managed to get out of her throat, “Please take a seat. I
am glad you came, would you like something, I can get the waitress over here if
you wish.” Her sister pulled out the
chair and stiffly sat down. “No, that’s all right, I am not hungry,” was
Beverly’s answer to Eleanor’s rambling. Eleanor shifted in her seat. “I am glad
you came really.” A nod was her sister’s only response. Eleanor glanced down looking at the blue and
white tablecloth. “I guess I have a lot to explain.” At first there was no
response but she could feel her sister’s cold defense penetrating stare, and
then her sister softly asked, “Why weren’t you there? Why did you say no?”
Eleanor didn’t answer right away. She kept her eyes drawn to the table. She
could hear the restaurant starting to die down from the evening’s rush. Eleanor shuffled her feet, shifted in her
seat and finally looked up at her sister.
Beverly’s light gray-blue met Eleanor’s brown ones. Eleanor could see
the hurt and anger behind those eyes. “ I don’t understand, Eleanor,” her
sister continued, “It was their funeral, what could they have done?” Tears welled up in Eleanor’s eyes. “I don’t
know Bev. Stubbornness, arrogance, foolishness?” Eleanor voice sounded
desperate and defensive shook her head. She then added, “I can understand if
you just want to yell at me and then leave.”
Beverly took Eleanor’s hands in hers
and carefully looked at her little sister. Beverly’s faced showed the pain and
hurt from the past years still in her heart but as she continued to stare at
her fragile looking sister, it also showed an understanding that her sister was
crying out for help and needed her but didn’t know how. “Eleanor, tell me, why
did you ask me to come here tonight?” Beverly asked emphasizing you. Eleanor looked at her sister’s hands wrapped
so gently and loving around her own.
The words stuck themselves to the dry walls of Eleanor’s throat. She
took a sip of water, looked carefully into Beverly’s eyes and said, “I need you
Beverly, I have come to a cross road in my life and you are the only one to
help me with what I am about to do.”
“All you have to do is ask.
After all these years of pain and anguish, I still love you. Nothing, nothing
will change that.”
“I always knew that Bev, but
was too childish to admit it.” Eleanor continued, “I am pregnant.”
Beverly looked
lovingly at her sister, eyes shinning. “If you need anything El, you know I’ll
be there. And I know Joseph will be happy to have a new cousin to play with.”
Eleanor dropped
her eyes to the table. The following words would be the most difficult to say
for she had not even spoken them herself.
“Bev, there’s more, she paused, “the past has finally caught up with me,
I have AIDS.”
Tears filled Beverly’s eyes, she tried to
blink them back with no avail. She said no words to her sister, just gave her a
hug and held Eleanor tight in her arms.
* * *
Washington D.C.
A young woman with blonde hair,
red-highlights glistened in the afternoon sun, stood on the ground before the
Washington Monument. She stood in front
of a 3 by 3-foot panel of cloth, which was surrounded, by other larger panels
decorated in various patterns and designs. Sitting on the ground, curiously
looking at the drawings and designs of the panel was a five year old, blond
hair, brown eyed little girl. She
looked up at the older woman and squinted from the glaring sun. “Is that
mommy?” she asked pointing to a picture woven into the cloth.
“Yes honey, it is,” the woman said in
a soft loving voice.
“What’s da dandelion for?” she asked
running her hand over the embroidered flower.
The older woman
sat down besides the little girl placing her on her lap. She smiled as the child looked up innocently
waiting for an answer. “Well Eleanor,
let me tell you a story that starts about five years ago in late summer at
small doctor’s office...”